WASHINGTON (WNB) - Only a week after President Obama's daughter Malia was photographed doing drugs at a Hamptons party, a new photo has emerged allegedly showing the troubled youth turning tricks to support what sources claim is a crack cocaine habit. If true, it would indicate that Ms. Obama is following in her father's footsteps - stories of a young Barack engaging in homosexual sex acts in exchange for crack in Chicago are legendary.
This is not the first time the oldest Obama daughter has been photographed in compromising situations. Over the last several years photos have been published of Malia Obama drinking, drunkenly "twerking," and partying hard during spring break parties in Mexico and elsewhere. "Malia's definitely a chip off the old block," said one family friend. "She's shown she has what it takes to be a Democrat politician, just like her dad."
Pothead to crack whore - Malia Obama follows in father's footsteps
HOLLYWOOD (WNB) - Hillary Clinton appeared to suffer a social faux pas Monday night as she struggled to open a jar of pickles on the Jimmy Kimmel Live show. Kimmel produced the jar in an obvious effort to dispel the growing chorus of questions concerning Mrs. Clinton's health, but her loss of control while attempting to unscrew a lid that had reportedly been pre-loosened raised more questions than it answered.
Hillary Clinton loses control while attempting to open jar
LOS ANGELES (WNB) - Dr. Drew Pinsky, a nationally syndicated talk show host and internal medical physician believes Hillary Clinton is not only still struggling from the results of an earlier concussion and resulting brain clot, but also a number of other ailments. Based on the elderly candidate's physical symptoms and recent behavior, Pinsky said she "very likely" is also suffering from the following:
Van Horton's Syndrome (VHS)
Herpes Simplex 10
Nipple Decomposition Disorder (NDD)
"She (Hillary) has the muscle tone of a jellyfish, the mental clarity of an autistic spray paint huffer, and the stamina of a UAW worker - health-wise, she's clearly as bad as she looks."
BATON ROUGE, Louisiana (WNB) - While President Obama continues to receive sharp criticism for his refusal to take time off from his vacation to visit flood-ravaged Louisiana, Donald Trump not only visited the region but personally provided much-needed supplies (below).
"Hey, look. These people are hurting and the least I can do is help, okay? Unlike our worthless president, I consider this to be more important than playing golf and watching my wife stuff herself with lobsters and baked Alaska."
WORLD NEWS BUREAU - Vice President Joe Biden apparently couldn't keep his hands off of Hillary Clinton Monday when the two met on an airport tarmac. The awkward invasion of Clinton's personal space (below) enhances Biden's well-earned reputation for pressing himself against females of all ages against their will, something Hillary's own husband turned into a career.
WORLD NEWS BUREAU - "News at the speed of typing." Today's top stories:
Black Lives Matter To Shut Down Elvis Week
Black Lives Matter protesters in Tennessee announced they plan to "shut down" Graceland during the popular annual event, "Elvis Week."
In a possibly related story, Rednecks United announced they plan to shut down every Church's Fried Chicken location in Memphis during Elvis Week.
Turkey Legalizes Sex With Children
A Turkish Constitutional court has effectively lowered the age of sexual consent in Turkey to 12. The former age of consent was 15 in the Islamic country but politicians argued that "the mental capacity of a 12-year-old boy is not hugely different from that of a 15-year-old and they're a lot less hairy."
International outrage was immediate, with the United State's Clinton Foundation calling the prospect of pre-teen girls engaging in sexual relations "improper," and immediately dispatching the foundation head to Turkey for an in-depth firsthand investigation.
Milwaukee Suffers Racial Unrest
Milwaukee, Wisconsin saw a second night of racial unrest as inner city citizens took to the streets to protest the fatal police shooting of armed career felon, Sylville K. "Coldass CopKilla" Smith.
"He was a good boy who didn't do nothing. Cops killed his ass just because he black and got a gun," said one family member.
Smith's sister Laqueefa called on rioters to stop looting and burning inner city businesses, exhorting them to "loot and burn that sh*t down in the suburbs." Tuesday morning, many outlying business owners were seen camouflaging their locations as employment agencies (below).