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Riots Break Out Across Middle East
Reports from the Mideast say thousands of unwashed, hairy men in dresses are running through the streets, yelling curses, hitting themselves, and sodomizing young boys and slow barnyard animals.
While this is a normal daily occurrence throughout the region, sources say today's actions are intensified by President Trump's announcement that the U.S. will move their embassy to Jerusalem.
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Pope Wants To Change Lord's Prayer
Pope Francis says the Catholic Church will change the Lord's Prayer to better reflect the original meaning and today's realities.
The phrase the Pope wants modified is 'lead us not into temptation,' suggesting it infers that it is God that leads man into temptation, a Biblically unsound proposition. Also, the current translation omits the intended description of the temptation in question.
The Pontiff said the new translation will be 'do not let us fall into the temptation to harm the earth's climate.'
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Sen. Franken Expected To Resign For Health Reasons
Sources say Al Franken (RTRD-Minn) will announce his retirement from the Senate, but not for reasons connected with allegations that he improperly groped a number of women.
Insiders claim Franken will divulge he is suffering from a disease popularly known as 'Sharpton's Disease' - a degenerative condition that causes the head to swell in size while the body shrinks, causing a 'bobblehead' effect. Among other things, the illness leads to diminished intellectual and moral clarity.
"Not only does he look really weird, he's suffering and needs rest," said one colleague.
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