BIG HAIRY NEWS - News at the speed of typing™
University Trains Staff To Stop Shooters With Hockey Pucks
Faculty members at Oakland University in suburban Detroit have received hockey pucks and are being trained to use them to thwart active shooters.
The faculty union also is working with student groups to distribute an additional 1,700 pucks to students.
In possibly related news, Oakland University has sent a letter to all area sporting goods stores requesting they stop selling hockey goalie masks.
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Caravan Leaders Demand U.S. Speed Up Asylum Process
Hopeful societal parasites Central American migrants said in a press conference in Tijuana, Mexico on Tuesday that the United States needs to speed up its asylum process, as 'Mexico is a shithole and they won't give us anything.'
In response to the migrants' demands, President Trump Tweeted "Sorry, I'm trying to find another person who's willing to go to Tijuana - it may take a while."
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Al Gore To Host Climate Change Telethon
Al Gore will host a 24-hour broadcast special on climate change next month featuring an array of fading and obscure celebrities and musical performances by artists many assumed dead.
The former vice president on Tuesday announced the eighth annual '24 Hours of Hope - Racing Toward Certain Death' which will be televised in more than 125 countries and streamed online domestically to pot dispensaries and university safe rooms.
According to TV Guide: 'As in past years, Gore will channel a pre-bloated, sleep-deprived Jerry Lewis solemnly shilling cash donations to forestall unparalleled, unimaginable human misery. Joining in the fun will be a host of celebrities and stars.'
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